One night over four years ago my new friend Josh and I took a walk around the Wicker Park/Ukrainian Village area. It had been a beautiful day and I was done with finals for the time being, so I bought us a six pack and we proceeded to try and get lost. Hours later we ended up at a Ukrainian church that resembled a space ship, that still to this day I cannot find. It was unlocked so we wandered in, explored, and left with a ridiculous hand drawn poster in a language we would never understand.
That was the night we held hands for the first time, kissed, and decided to be more than friends. Tonight I took that poster and on the back of it wrote him a long, long letter describing what his betrayal after ages of loving and supporting him and his drinking problem (when I should’ve given up) has done to me.
When I leave the apartment and lease for him to finish out on Sunday I will leave him this letter. Who knows if he will read it. God knows my shaking handwriting is hard to read, but it feels so good to get that out. I feel that when my last relationship ended there were many things left unsaid, and that led to difficulty recovering, and self confidence issues that I still struggle with today. I don’t want to do that again. I want a clean slate. And if that means leaving myself utterly vulnerable to the person I once loved most, the one with this most power to hurt me and who did, then so be it.
Does anyone else feel like it is easier to relate to people who openly make mistakes or share their flaws? Like, in Athenian tragedy the heroes are never perfect because if that was the case, the audience wouldn’t feel bad for them when they suffer. Horrible though it may be, when I get to know people that are perfect - beautiful, successful, wealthy, intelligent, completely free of any transgressions - it is difficult to suppress my desire to see them fail.
FUCK YOU STAY OUT OF MY HEAD